mixed-up feelings.

i can't define this feeling i am experiencing now. i don't even know what i am feeling. it's a complicated & "suffocating" feeling, that's all i can say.
i don't even understd myself nowadays. i don't even know myself. when i look into the mirror. i don't see the real me. i see another person. a person who has no emotion on his face. a person who has been thinking too much. a person whose simple dreams/hopes/wishes have been dashed. a person on the verge of losing his mind. becuz of all these imaginations.

it hurts to think so much. it has cause me to insomnia almost every night, spending around an hour reflecting bout everything. i try to stop it. but it's impossible. it's as if my imagination has its own will. i can't control it. it's against its will.

i'm getting tired being the perfect person. i tried my utmost best to be the best. to be a likeable guy. i don't want anyone to hate me or anything. for it will get me thinking," what is it i have done wrong?"
but sometimes it's to no avail. my imagination just start losing control on a tiny hint of hatred, whelther it's for real or not. just wanna say. my apologises for anything i have done wrongly. sincerely.
if i could read minds. maybe i could avoid all these, & accept the reality.

i don't even know what is it i truely want. maybe in balance in everything. in studies. family friendship. however i know it's almost impossible for me to achieve it. something will be blocking on my path, for sure.

i missed everything.
communication is on a breakdown. almost everything is breaking down.
maybe it's just my imagination(as usual).
but if it's for real.
i will apologise no matter what.
even if it's not my fault.
just let me apologise. it helps. somehow.

those sorrow songs. got me on the verge of crying
those joyful songs. doesn't even come close in making me smile.
i'm in the world of imagination now. all alone.
just wanna say. thanks for everything you all have done before. sincerely
lurve you all... ...

please do not leave me alone♥

Confused & Guilty

i am feeling better than yesterday. at least i think so. there's still some debris of yesterday left inside my heart.
& now i am feeling not blue. but confused & guilty. a strange mixed feelings between these two. guess i will need a few days to really either settle or forget bout all these. settle would be nicer solution. as forgetting will take forever.

the best thing that happened today...*S.H.E FOREVER~

yepp. i'm really happy that i finally got it =) all of them seems to become more mature-looking & prettier. but still my favourite is HEBE <33>

life's full of twist. you will have to find a way out yrself...
life's is confusing. you will have to settle it yrself...

please do not leave me alone♥

feeling blue today

it felt as if i am being shunned at.
it felt as if i am drifting from everything i had ever came in contact with.
it felt as if i am irritating & annoying.
it felt as if i am just an extra...

maybe i am just thinking too much. but sometimes all those actions & expressions just sort of confirmed how i think.

if it's real. it's not their faults. it's probably my fault. maybe i have changed. towards the worst. hence causing all these driftings.

even if it's just my imagination & not for real. it's still all my doings. my wild imaginations causing all these. nothing to do with others.

i really don't want to associate all these thinkings with anyone. i don't want to blame others of these. it will just worsen my imagination. & not solving it. i cant handle too much of these at a time.

sorry if today i seemed out & down during most of the times. for some reason the minute i stepped into the class. somethingS caught my eyes & i plunged into these wild thinking whirlpool as usual. i looked listless & down today. but that's because i'm thinking. really thinking bout these feelings. all of wild thoughts were just rushing into my mind. to those that felt i was unusual today. i'm sorry. i did try to get back to normal asap. but it was to no avail.

all these thinkings ended when close to dismissal. but i wasn't because i solved the problems. it was because i put these feelings into the back of my mind. i know it's not the best solution. for these feelings may just explode & i will start thinking again. but there's no other ways any all.

21july2006(tomolo)
Shawn's birthday!!!

& there's racial harmony amazing race tmolo. i was excited bout it in the first place. but after all these i am feeling today. i am just feeling dull & blue now.

i'm feeling blue today.
real blueish~

please do not leave me alone♥

empty.l0st.

another whole passed by in a flash. & i'm still l0st in my own world.
3 more months & o' level begin. & i'm still not starting to prepare.

world cup's finally over. & Italy won. everyone was like hoping Italy will win. but thinking France will win. & in the end Italy is the champ. was kinda shocked cuz i was placing my bet on France. oh well~ not that i'm inside this world cup fever...after all. when world cup ends. it will implies more ppl staying awake on class X)

dsa audition today was a disaster. literally. my heart was pounding like hell on the way to tj. not that i'm placing alot of hope in getting into tj. in fact was actually thinkin my chance are like. really really slim. but naturally i will feel nervous. real nervous.

& the audition with me coming out of the audi sighing, shaking my head, cursing myself. i know i did badly. i know i could have done better. much more better. but no use crying over spilled milk. at most i can just keep cursing myself. oh well i'm feeling so... empty. l0st. dunnoe which direction i shld be going now...

musical competition is this friday. & i'm still not really prepared. there's still two more rehearsal before the real thing. after the musical competition we'll be stepping down. kinda sad. we had really lots of fun during eds session. now i will actually miss going eds session. go those laughters & fun we have. to all my juniors. continue rawking eds ok?

this sunday going shawn's hse for "studying". 21st july is someone birthday. & i haven even buy the present yet. because of my busy schedule . plus 29 july is big walk organised by jenna for everyone. life's getting busier with all these catching up with friends before o' level... cant imagine my life after graduation.

esp i'm hoping sunday will arrive faster. i really excited in going shawn's hse to play FF X-2. my new addiction!! that game totally rox & has spark my desire to buy a ps2 & play the game. & i am totally going head over heels in this gurl that appear in the game... Rikku!!

she's cute. fun-loving. adorable. humourous. enthusiastic.out-going. kind. helpful. active. cheerful. funny

she's everything i wanted.

she's my Dream Gurl*drools*

if a gurl like this really exist in this world. i will be woo-ing her ritex now~
-dangs i sound so perverted-

tomolo there's pe lesson again. which i predict will be free time XD
& as usual i need to go skool earlier to draw my prawn-.-

please do not leave me alone♥

so much for an earthquake~

day started with me shawn ben wh zz eating in kopitiam for lunch. den a trip to arcade. after which ade arrived & the lan game began. hours later zp reached & we have neoprints. which ben caused a havoc inside the machine. pushing me out of the screen twice & blocking zp & zz face once. dangs. while he had his face pasted in every neoprint shoots.

& shawn is being super nice 2dae. finally make up his mind to treat us for an earthquake. he was actually only treating us to a REGULAR earthquake. but we managed to change it into a GIANT earthquake X) hoorayy~~

well to be more exact hooray for the rest. not for me. for the earthquake was eaten up by the rest while i was preparing for the photo shoot for us...
happy photo shooting~~ but when i finished taking photo & was happily going back to eat my share of earthquake. i got this~~~
i shall call this... "the remains of an earthquake". & i ate less than 10 mouthful of earthquake. the rest was gone in a matter of time eaten by them. hence had to order a 'gold rush' to satisfy my desire of ice cream-.- overall time spent in swensen happily with shawn sharing his food. zz tackling his HUGE burger with difficulty. me in the spotlight waterfall-ing & more=) Just some more pics of pretty gurls & handsome boys(esp the one on utmost rightXP)

fun day ended with with me ben wh ade being secret agents following shawn & zz who were on an secret mission. which in the end the secret agents once agn saved the day!!

ain't gonna tok much 2dae. pictures say a thousand words. that's wad they say. there's skool tmolo. which began with a fun PE lesson. & followed by brain-cells-using lessons -.-

please do not leave me alone♥